Lauren Denise's Journal

4:38PM - One of the only feelings i know is true

When the meaning of love can not be expressed
Or no longer seen by your eyes
The same feeling when I'm with or with out you overpowers me
And that being the undescribable one
The same one that makes or breaks me
The one that makes me smile, the one that makes me cry
The one that only I can feel
The only one that can make the impossible seem real
The one that when you're closer, makes me fall further
The one that when you're further, makes me wish that I was closer
The one that makes me heart beat faster
at any given time
The one that makes me glow, and with that ables me to shine
The one that maybe you would know
The one that I sometimes can't help but show
And so as long as I hold on to this uncomparable feeling
For in my eyes it all seems clear, not one blur at all
But still everytime I miss you, that same feeling makes my heart small
Calling out for you to hear,
Never forgotten, I love you so dear........

Current mood: drained

Current music: A.F.I. Silver and Cold

(throw a brick at me)

12:41PM

I have no idea where to start. I could start by saying I didn't go to class again today, why sit there and waste my time, when it really benefits me in no way at all. I know what needs to be done, but I don't want to be lectured on things that really don't matter to me at all. The only thing is learn about in ENGLISH class is that every fast food place is dangerous because there's "MAD COW" disease, well i skipped class ate a hamburger and came here. Brad I am sorry about this morning, I feel just like I did last time. Well have a great trip, see ya in like ??two weeks....The fact that I feel the same and I thought now I would feel different bothers me. You telling me you didn't understand me makes me feel horrible because I thought you were the one person who would. In this past couple weeks together I couldn't tell you if I should smile or cry. I have good times, but is it worth the bad if I have to be reminded of the times I blocked out because I couldn't take it.....I not having time for anyone or anything like I used to...All my life consists of is work full time school full time, and although I know you're there I can't help but feel alone. There's nothing around here for me, I this town and not talking to anyone, I'm just trying to waste time, I have class in 5 hours hopefully I'll decide to go to that one, only because I can't miss more than two and i already missed two..bummer. I love you and the distance, and the no time and this morning the most.............................................

Current mood: crappy

Current music: Phish "waste"

(1 thrown brick | throw a brick at me)

7:26PM - Impatiently Waiting

I can not wait till school is over,i will miss it at first, but life goes on and everything will be a lot better I think. It's been a long time since I've updated, pretty bust with trying to fix everything with school for graduation. Prom will be fun I'm excited about it, all I need to do is get my shoes and I'll be set. I had a good weekend, hung out with Mark, and last night I went to my grandparents 50th anniversery at Vladimirs, it was fun just cause i never see my family and I got to drink and smoke....Then my brother pissed me off cause he mad an ass out of me because he's a fucking moron......He thinks he's the shit it cracks me up...gtg need to study for this ap test now... Later!! I'm still confused on how I feel I wish I could talk to someone who was in the same position as me, but I'm not sure who that could be...I guess I'll try to follow my heart, I hope it leads me in the right direction

Current mood: complacent

Current music: Fairytale "Tory Amos" <--- best song ever...

(2 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

8:31PM

I'll never think you're a terrible person, because of the way you feel....I am hurting only from how we feel different, but there's nothing I can do. You told me what your choice was, and it was obvious mine was holding on. Now that you finally told me your choice I accept it and I won't even bother to ask why, your choice still remains the same. I've been so hurt because I've let your choices hurt me,but now I realized it was just because they were different from mine, different than what I wanted them to be. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. I can't help but miss you, it's too hard to not miss the one you love. I will always be thinking of you and I would never forget our "certain times" either. Maybe someday I will chose to forget every little thing, but I will never forget you. I have already pushed so much out of my mind, it's easier that way, because if I don't do this I will never find myself again...........good~BYE

Current mood: indescribable

Current music: Michelle Branch "Good-bye to you"

(throw a brick at me)

8:09PM - break!!!!

I'm realizing everything so clear now.....crazy. I'm glad I'm eating popcorn, its very good right now. I'm waiting for Karen but the girl takes forever to get ready. I have no gas in my car, that sucks I hope I make it home tonight, I hate having to call someone it's just embarrassing. I really really really want to go to the COLDPLAY concert, but i don't even have money for the tickets right now and they're prolly all sold out anyways. Oh well maybe I'll have better luck with Tim Mcgraw. I'm ready to go out now I just can't stand just sitting here right now im bored as hell!!!!!maybe i'll update later if i have anymore time to waste.....
I hope ur doin good.......

Current mood: bored

Current music: COLDPLAY "IN MY PLACE"

(throw a brick at me)

5:05PM

"If two past lovers remain friends, either they're still in love, or never were."

Current mood: contemplative

Current music: dave matthews "where I wanna be"

(2 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

7:25PM

I HATE YOU

Current mood: relieved

(3 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

12:57PM - it's an ugly day outside...and freeezing!

Today is weird and I have a headache. I think it's from earlier, but thank god my day got a little better, not by much but a little's better than nothing. One more hour left and I can go home and eat because I'm starving. Right now I'm in the library because I have nothing to do since I'm in government. I found out yesterday even if I got an A+ on the final next week I still wouldn't have enough points to pass, so I'm basically screwed. It wouldn't be that big of a deal if it was one class I'm failing, definately more than that. This next semester I will have ALL good grades, because that's the thing I know I better work on in order to graduate from this giant hell hole. I hate school, and I would rather go to college, although it's much harder. I'm definately moving to Florida this summer or this coming fall. School will be done and I'm going to go to a community college down there, and my second year I am hoping to go to Florida State. That has always been my goal, and it keeps getting closer. I can't wait to leave not just because I hate Michigan, but also because I hate the drama here, I hate how so many people are two-faced, I hate how there are so many uncaring people in this school ,I hate the bitches that are stuck up for no good reason, I hate the ass-holes who think they're "hard" asses. I hate the stupid bullshit that people talk, and I hate how everyday it gets harder and harder to trust people, who are constantly opening their mouths for no good reason. I think what I hate the most though is that there are way to many people that act as someone they're not. I know I won't be able to ever get away from everything cause half of this world holds all the things I hate. But going to Florida I will meet new people and start things over, only keeping in touch with those who truely do care and those that actually mean something in my life. That's only a couple.......hope everyone has a good afternoon, hopefully I'll update again when I get some more time to waste.
play215 i miss ya, and i really really really really don't like her friend with blonde hair, she makes me sick and is a disgrace to women kind.




xoxo

Current mood: cold

Current music: AVRIL "I'm with you........"

(5 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

11:47AM - none

I haven't written in a long time, because I'm usually always out doing something so I don't have time, or I just don't feel like it. Today is December 9th....that's about all I have to say, I know you remember what today is too.....

It makes me remember the exact same things that I'd rather not have to think about

Current mood: guilty

Current music: Kid Rock.......I found your picture today

(2 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

10:14AM - long weekend

This weekend was crazy....Friday night I stayed at Sally's, well actually I passed out in Keith's car in the driveway next to Sally's (that was karen's fault)haha....Then Saturday night I went to Sally's again but around 1:00 in the morning my brother Frank came and picked me up from her house and took me all the way back to Dearborn to stay at his house for the night. Then he took me back home yesterday and I was so scared to walk in my house because I ran away Friday and I was gone for the whole weekend, and I never talked to my parents once. My dad said hi to me and hasn't said a thing about it yet. I'm having a good day so far, but I wish I didn't have to know in the back of my head that I hurt Wade, Wade I am so sorry, I will never hurt you again......I have to go because I don't have that much time, but I will update soon hopefully!!! YEEES my birthday is tomorrow, I'm so excited.....don't have any plans yet thought, (well i guess me and karen kiiiinda do :)
LOVE EVERYONE,
Lauren Denise
P.S. why do you hurt me and not even see it, you stupid pathetic selfish bastard, fuck off I'm so upset with you its not even funny!

Current mood: good

Current music: d12

(5 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

8:49AM - lies

Monday, March 18th, 2002

Brad- this is what you wrote in your livejournal and i put it in mine in case you read mine because what you wrote to me, in this is not true, I know this because you have already forgotten.....


7:06 pm Bout time
I had an awesome day. Lots of thanks go out...
Googs- thanks for chatting in science...meant a lot since i dont have that many people to talk about that sorta thing with THANKS
Lauren- obvious reasons... I love the way you love me and ill never forget the way we can still be.... I love you
Everyone - thanks for not being a bunch of ass holes and bitches...it really helps sometimes

Current Mood: grateful
Current Music: Dave Matthews - What Would You Say

Current mood: sad

(throw a brick at me)

5:50PM - It's been a long day, but no sleep until i figure this out...

Even if it was just a kiss, it still hurt. If I can't have what I would love to have, then why am I still waiting. I know there's no point in waiting for nothing, but I guess that's what I'm doing. If I could just stop, there would be so much less weight on my shoulders. I'm not the type to give up, only a few people would know that, but I wouldn't consider this giving up, because no matter what I do, it won't change someone else. I can't I've tried, tried, and tried. I'm always thinking of something else I could do, but now I've ran out of ideas, and there's no more time. If I can't have you, maybe I can have someone else, someone who will give me a chance, because I'm sick of waiting I can't sit any longer with you always running through my head. It's an unhealthy thing, and in the end it's only my heart that is getting stepped on. I'm a fool for hoping, a fool for waiting, a fool because I couldn't let go. There are feelings you have that can not change no matter what and then there are other feelings that you have control over. I think I do have control over this feeling, but I always just thought I can't help myself or how I feel. I can now I know I don't want to waste anymore of my time, when you don't waste a second of your day for me. You tell me not to expect things, but it's hard. It's hard to face change, and it's hard for me to change too, but when I do I know it will just be better for me. If you don't want me to expect one single thing out of what happened then don't ever put me in that position again, it kills me, because I feel like I'm getting what I want for that one special moment, and then it's over, and I realize that's not what I really want in the first place. And if that's all you want, find someone else who is willing to meet your standards, because obviously you don't meet mine, if you think that's all I'm worth. And it's obvious that's all you called for, you can't even talk to me about anything anymore, it's all just what you want. Your using me to satisfy your wants, and you don't know what mine are, even if I didn't want to be with you, it's not like you know, you just assume I do, like you have been for so long now. This whole time it's been nothing but me watching you move on, and me sitting there waiting, waiting for what???? For you to read my mind, or maybe for you to just break my heart one more time. Well what if the table suddenly turned and now it was me moving on, me not wasting one single second of my day, to even think of you. What if it was me you watched move on, me you saw with someone else, what if it was me who stopped caring, me who treated you like no one, me who didn't want you even as a friend anymore, me who told you I don't love you and I never did, what if this time it was me telling you I loved someone else....???????? Then maybe you would just have that one second you never gave me, to think about how I have felt, and how much it hurt me. I hope someday you get to feel like I did, then again maybe you will. I can't say that it was your fault I have felt so sad for so long, maybe it wasn't. But actions hurt people too, not just words. So maybe what you did or maybe it was what you didn't do that hurt me so much. I'm still the one who sat there and let myself feel that way though. So I guess I take some blame for the way I felt too. I just couldn't bring my head up though, I was always so down, completely lost. I'm finding my way back I think, my way back to how I used to be before I fell in love with you. It will be different though because of everything that has happened. But different is good sometimes, just like change, and I think that's what I need. I know you don't need me, like I think I need you, because if you did you wouldn't be doing all of this. Just for one second realize that you ended all of this, I understand why, but still why would you do all of this to me?? I know your not like that, so try to be someone else, it's not like I will forget how you really are. That's probably the only thing I will ever miss anyways when I think of you now, who you _were_ not who you are now, or who your trying to be. Emotional pain is a feeling, that no one can make go away except the person feeling it, so why should I even try to run to you. For 1 you wouldn't even try to help, and for 2 I'm the only one who knows the feeling, so therefore I'm the only one who can make it go away. Maybe there's someone else out there for me, and I will find them someday. Until then I will remain happy on my own, not having to think about you and how I can't have you anymore. If your too good to call me, if your to good to never talk to me, then maybe your not who I thought you were.....

Current mood: drained

Current music: DMB

(13 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

11:57AM - blahblahblah

i am happy

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: john mayor

(17 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

9:47AM - My mind won't stop wondering........someone make it stop!!!!!

Why did you leave, and forget to say good-bye? :*(

(3 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

9:22AM - The last thing i ever wanted to happen.........

__Replaced___

I never thought I'd have to live
without you by my side,
But when I look inside myself,
At least I know I tried.
You walk around so happy,
and I want to do the same
But whenever I try to talk to you,
My heart just fills with shame.
I can never change the way you feel,
in my eyes and my heart we had something real.
Your unlike anyone else I know,
that's why it's so hard to just let go
Every hug, each moment, and every kiss
Is what I always will truely miss.
My angel has left, and flown away
You said if needed you, you'd always stay
Then you moved on,
and now I'm gone
Somewhere down this road I guess I went wrong.
The first time that I saw you with her
My heart started to cry,
I just broke down, as every tear dropped from my eyes
I wish I could've turned around
and looked the other way,
But I just could not believe it,
I was at a loss of words to say.
Now, she's in my place, taking your heart with hers
If only somehow broken hearts had a cure...
Now you say you love her,
I guess she makes you smile
Why did your love for me only last a while?
My love for you in neverending
But now my heart just needs so mending
So I will try to accept that it's her
and no longer me
And i hope that she is everything
I could never be.......



Out of reach is where you are, please just stay, your already to far

(3 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

7:12PM - Today just keeps getting funner

So I'm at Karen's house right now, and i just went outside and I couldn't stop laughing, then it made me have to cough and im sick right now so i was like coughing up my fricking lungs in her front yard, but me and jane couldn't stop laughing so i was like gagging but i couldn't breathe cause i was laughing so hard, it was hilarious. hahaha should've been there, last night was fun too. But today i just feel weird...I'm missing you like crazy, i feel like i could wait forever, but i know thats too long, i know i will give up by then so please come back while im still waiting i need u and u know i miss u so much, i would do anything in the world for you because i love you with all of my heart so please look into it and see that i would be the best to you if you would just give me a chance.....enough chances is what you will say, but i was so happy with you. I'm happy right now just a different kind of happy, i miss the other one, and ur the only one that makes me feel that way. There is just something that won't let me let go how can i? You mean the world to me, and i know ur moving on and having fun but please just take one second to think of me in your day, even if u don't talk to me or if you don't feel like calling or hanging out with me, i wish i could at least just know if u even think about me anymore, i miss you
I love you

Current mood: weird

(3 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

9:47AM - It is always cold in the B POD!!!!!!! ahhhhhh

I am hungry...what else is new, I just ate some carrots with ranch and before that i had some grapes yummy. I am looking outside and it looks cold and wet out...how not fun is that? I don't like these kind of days they seem so boring if you don't make them fun......Sunny days are always fun. Great i have to do my stupid psychology homework, because we always have homework in that class. Brad sorry i didn't answer my phone all day yesterday I lost my little celly telly ahhh dono what to do about that one. But maybe if i don't find it REALLY soon i should tell my dad so no one can use it that would be bad...but im scared he will kill me or something, im gonna go on a search today, but i don't think i will have very good luck i think it might have fallen out of my pocket somewhere....how shitty. Oh well that was yesterday nothing i can do now. I think next week i am going to cedar point with steve and Brad...hopefully I will go once or a few times this summer cause I haven't been there since the raptor was being built! And Brad I'm sorry i didn't answer my house phone last night when you left Jim's, but I had it right by my ear for it to ring but i guess i couldn't wait long enough and i ended up falling asleep. I really miss gymnastics and i definately think it should be a whole year, because it really sucks if you do a different sport like me and don't really have time for 2 sports at once with a job and everything, cause then when i go back to gymnastics next year it takes half the damn season to get all of the old stuff i had back and to get used to it and stuff, so then i have about NO time at all to learn that many new things, there's gotta be a way I can make time for it at least like 2 or 3 times a week in the summer, I think i will just go in the mornings or something, cause i will prolly be working on nights, anyone from gymnastics just talk to me if ya have any ideas of where we SHOULD ALL go k? k thanks......this year is so close to ending it just gets sweeter everyday i love it i love it i love it, but i hate how acts are saturday i better study my ass of soon! gtg do my psych now bye;)

xoxoxoxoxoSMOOCH <~Brad do you remember why you nicknamed me smooch???? i love you:)

Current mood: cheerful

Current music: gator boots......haha

(4 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)

10:26AM - Emotions...which one are you????

Find your emotion!

(throw a brick at me)

10:22AM - Are you an alcoholic????

What kind of drunk are you?
I don't think this thing works right it is trying to tell me that I am an emotional drunk! NO IM NOT FUCK THAT!!!

(throw a brick at me)

10:44AM - To everyone Leaving

There are not many seniors that I am friends with, but there a few and those I will miss....I will miss you Amanda, Kristen, Jamie, Sam, Meg, Kelly, and I will miss Kate a lot, pretty much all of my cheerleading buddies....but Amanda just wanted to say I love the way you are you have the best advice at times. Sam and Amanda good luck at Champion I am so proud of you guys you are awesome! Please don't forget to come back and visit. Oh and Don I will miss you a lot too....I haven't known you for too long but as I got too you seem like a really fun person...ha i loved that one night we talked at big boy it was sweet. Be careful what you lite on fire k?? hehe Chris I'll miss you but don't worry I will see you at your graduation party...Kate Henderlong~~~what would I have done without you, when I tried out for cheerleading sophomore year for football season you talked to me and you became my first friend on the team. I love you and not only for that, but also for giving me advice and hugs when you knew i needed them even if i told you i didn't. I'll never forget that day in the hallway when i made a pass just to get away from everything for 5 MINUTES and i went to my locker and you could tell something was wrong so you talked about it with me and you managed to let me leave with a smile on my face thank you sooo much I love you:) I will come to your grad. party too:) Anyways any other seniors i sorta know but don't talk to much I love you all and hope you guys have the best futures and accomplish ever goal each and every one of you have....John Young I still need to get you back i won't forget I will hunt you down and find you:)ByeBye Peeler I will miss you too, but i already got to say bye to you last hour...can i again??? Lunch is really soon so im outta here but the senior I think I will miss sooooooooo much is you....you know who ya are your awesome i know i won't lose touch with you, you'll always be there, your such an awesome friend! So glad i got to get to know you!

Current mood: okay

(4 thrown bricks | throw a brick at me)